What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 28.06.2025 02:27
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I write beautiful poetry .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
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My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
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I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
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Who then, do I blame.?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
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It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
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And i lived it daily.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Why is going on a date today so much different than it was when I was young?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
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I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
The only rule us 5 kids had .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
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I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I was scared of men, in general
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
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I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
So whats the point in blame.
So, i spoilt her more .
As i do to all so called friends.?
When she asked me how she looked .
What did i know ?
What are examples of real life forced feminization?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I will be 64.
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Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Would this be the day?
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I was very sick at this time too.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I don,t even have a pension.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
We were not on the streets..
Im still living with it.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
All the time i was locked up.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Why did i forgive my father ?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She was in good health!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
My family never makes their pension either.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She loved him until the end.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
One cannot live in the past .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I was 9 years of age.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I was seconnd youngest,
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Put me off passion for life!!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I waited trembling.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
(And it was in our own minds.)
But, we were locked up after school.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I have no regrets .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
My life is so biszare .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She wouldn,t have been !
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
We all went to grammer schools
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I think the readers, may guess!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He resisted the act ,that day.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
She found it foreign!.
It was going to be , some day.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Comes on , in middle age.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
This is soul school!.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I said to her
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He knew the spot.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She married twice! .
I never cut or harmed myself..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Was to survive, this bastard.
But it wasn’t much.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Ive learnt so much.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I couldn’t, believe it.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I could never make a relationship work though!